Power of Voice

 

Power of Voice

Living in a small world of mostly adults and men, for the first 16 years of my life, sassy, stubborn, determined and fearlessly I, fought. I was finally feeling heard. This only lasted a few 4-5 short years despite the fight. Motherhood became a source to control me. When I came to realize I was in so deep it was silence, or lose everything. Realizing I couldn’t have both was hard to accept and one of the darkest times of my early motherhood and young marriage. I chose motherhood. My children have been my driving force, as well as, my greatest fear and cause of my deepest pain.

Over 10 years it only got worse, I was continually made to feel I was not good enough and even when I felt I had given more than my ALL it still was not good enough. I was so wrapped up in “the story.” Extremely reclusive I became a stranger to myself. In order to please others, I started second guessing myself. Truth to me was “I am a bother” this lie became my reality. I could only afford to trust myself until I could no longer hear my heartbeat.

 

I can’t even put into words how amazing freedom from this constant pressure feels.  Now I’m coming to realize, “even my voice matters.”

Going through some of my personal hell, I have learned so much. The knowledge, appreciation, and gratitude for the things I have taken for granted had I now take for granted. In feeling the loss of so much it has helped me through some rough roads in life. because I chose to take a lesson out of every experience, a blessing for the future in one way or another.

You are beautiful, you are stronger than you know. Your experiences impact your destiny on every level. Negative or positive you inspire so many lives.

Birth Certificates

For many years I have sought to obtain the legal documents for my two children born on the FLDS compound in Pringle South Dakota. My Nine-year-old daughter was born shortly after the Texas Raid on the FLDS compound known as the YFZ Ranch. Because of the raid, there were many mothers who, for the first time realized how important a birth certificate actually was. Some may think- “a no-brainer.”

I have often asked myself the same question. My answer, I was so focused on pleasing the church leaders to prevent them from taking my children there was little time to question how that could affect their future and mine as a mother.

The FLDS Texas Raid, we pleaded religious persecution and believed it was the devil’s way of trying to destroy “the work of God.”

Few knew what had been going on for a very long time behind the public eye and community. Warren starts separating his own children from their mothers. Warren took my children away from me as well, the intensely long separation and longing inspired these words-

Sending My Love

When in the morn as I open my eyes

Or seeking at bedtime His Comfort Supplies

Of you I am thinking, remember my love

And know God is blessing us all from above

Can you feel my arms around you? I’m holding you near

Sence lips on your cheek, it all seems so clear.

I long for your smile, to see you grow tall

Share your achievements, lift up when you fall

Do washing and mending, comb long shiny hair

And teach you the truths of sweet heavenly prayer

So when sun is shining or moonbeam its glow

When fierce storms are gathering, wind starts to blow

Just know Heavenly Father’s collecting my love

And sending express mail to you from above

How I yearn to be with you each hour every day

And join in the work humbly teaching God’s way

You’re helping in Zion, blessing in love

Happy and cheerful responding on the run

Stay close to Father, obedient be

Then we’ll be together through eternity

So when sun is shining or moonbeam its glow

When fierce storms are gathering wind starts to blow

We’ll trust in our Father in Heaven above

Reaching together for His perfect love

I’m sending my love to you from above

I wrote those words in 2005 after fifteen months of separation from my children. The same words were used in a song to try to win the sympathy of the world against the said injustice. When an even greater injustice inspired them.

It was a betrayal if we allowed the secrets of R23/South Dakota Compound/Zion punishable worse than death. Men lost their families and priesthood because they didn’t have faith enough to keep the Government officials from entering the Texas Compound and more importantly the Temple.

We were not allowed to obtain the birth certificates for resons I did not know. When given the oprotunity the mothers who had given birth to babies on the land did what we could to get a birth certificate using other addresses in order to obtain birth certificates and not going against the leaders council to not get one in South Dakota. I too started the process but because of cercomstances out of my control I was not able to obtain a delayed Birth Certificate.

 

 

 

Lyle Jeffs

Many have heard the wonderful news of Lyle Jeffs being captured.

That’s a big “thoughts” place for me. Aside from his, charges, there is so much more this man is guilty of. Acts that so outshine and make these charges seem minute. Lyle has aided in the loss of so many people’s lives, if not in death to some it’s worse. He is the cause of so many sleepless nights, tears, and children’s nightmares. Because of this man, faith, trust, hope, and future have disappeared from so many. Some have been able to break free and mend but to many, their lives will be haunted with the terror this man has created.

I see a darkness in me when I feel so happy to see someone else suffer. I was shocked they actually kicked Lyle to the curb like that, and most of all that he allowed himself to be kicked to the curb.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2017/06/15/fugitive-polygamist-lyle-jeffs-has-been-captured-after-nearly-a-year-on-the-lam/

However it happened, I believe the Leaders saw he was no longer an asset. I’m sure they used some excuse he displeased the Lord ect… but you and I know he must have grieved God so many years and so many sins ago. What shocks me is he accepted it. I believe that shows he was as brainwashed in his corrupted evil mind as so many others, or there were others above him he was scared of. I’ve always known he was an evil pawn on the board and this proves my theory. I saw the inside on a different level than most. I was on the side that saw people who were above his power. I was never under Lyle’s judgment. He was never Bishop over me so I did not have much one on one communication with Lyle myself. Why do I feel so happy he has justice? The part Lyle plays in my life is what he did to my children while I was away. I have had to fight the feeling of anger, hate and wanting to take justice into my own two hands when I thought of Lyle as well as many of the other people involved in the injustice that happened to my innocent, helpless children. Justice was served the day Lyle was finally captured. I hope it continues to be served and he never gets out because the impact and cruelty this person has done has injured so many people in ways they will never escape from.

Part of me is happy he got a tiny taste of what he himself took part in putting so many men, women and most of all innocent children through.

Short Creek Community

I remember the days when the Short Creek community was flourishing. We wanted to live our lives and beliefs in peace.

We were told by everyone we trusted to fear the outside world. We were told they were the enemy. People outside of the community wanted to destroy us and break up our families. It was because of “religious persecution.”

We should have stood against those who sat in front of us, telling us these things. They are the ones that overshadowed our community and destroyed our families.

Now who are the ones opening their hearts unconditionally, welcoming us into their lives, taking us in as their own? Adopting our children when their own parents turn their backs on them? They are the ones who do not judge. It’s those people who are trying to help us glue our families back together as much as possible.

It’s beautiful to see people, women, men, standing up for what they believe in, no matter what it might be. Women for the first time in that community standing up, earning their own power and voice! The very definition of strength. You Rock On!

I can never be grateful enough, or ever repay the unconditional love of new friends and families, the communities that welcome us, supporting me and my family, showing us what the true love of Christ is.

feeling thankful.

Choose Freedom

Don’t let your experiences make you hard- become strong

Don’t let your pain make you hate- love more

Never allow yourself to turn bitter- choose freedom      -SA

Remember The Children

I grew up with this friend who, though quiet, was a cheerful girl. My friend loved life to its fullest.

     Through the placement marriage at sixteen, she was given to a man old enough to be her Father, possibly Grandfather. I witnessed the life drain from her each time I saw her at any community event.

     I knew there was something “off” about her. I expressed my feelings to my husband who was in daily contact with Warren Jeffs. Rich went to Warren with this concern, who at that time was the leader. Rich was told “The council was aware of the situation and was being handled as “the Lord” see fit.”

      Once I lived in the fear of my fears, now embraced and conquered. I have gone through the traumatic journey, standing up to the FLDS and rescued my own children.

      This desperate mother contacted me, asking about my experience getting my kids back. She had six kids in FLDS community she had not seen for quite some time. On our first conversation, she knew her kids were safely with her mother. Later she contacted me again. She was concerned because they were back with their father, a man who abused her for years before she finally got away. She did not trust her abuser with her kids. They set up an emergency court hearing and I was honored to be apart of this experience.

     I know what it takes for a woman from that culture to be brave enough to stand against the FLDS people. There is such a mind control that one has to reach inward and find the strength we were never allowed to feel.

       My heart reached out, knowing and feeling what this sweet mom was going through.

         I felt extremely blessed to witness this courageous Mother. With unsurpassed courage, I watched her face the greatest fear of her life and stand up against the Leaders of FLDS who have been brainwashing and implanting the fear of God in your soul.

Words can’t express the feelings, the heart-wrenching emotion in the courtroom as this Woman CLAIMED HER OWN POWER, facing her abuser. He confessed to raping and abusing this terrified woman for years. This monster freely admitted he had done the same to some of the children. The abuser confessed he told the leaders and was forgiven for these wrongs. He said, “I’m doing better in this unthinkable abuse.”

      We left the Courthouse with gratitude overflowing! The judge ordered the immediate removal of these children from their abusive father’s home and return to their Loving Mother’s arms.

      Thank GOD! There is mercy! There is justice!

      These rescued children have been adjusting wonderfully despite the trauma. Mom is working hard to give them a life of freedom, love, and happiness.

       If I had one wish, I would plead with the parents of these thousands of abandoned FLDS children. Take this from someone who KNOWS, who has felt and seen firsthand!

      To save your child’s souls as well as your own, FLDS children are left in “God’s care” and loving hands.

       Sadly it is NOT so!

      These children suffer unrighteous, injustice, and inexplicable pain. We parents have covenanted to love, cherish and protect our children.
Little ones are abandoned and left in the hands of people that teach fear and hate. Like robots, they do as commanded.

      No more love! No smiles! Happiness and laughter annihilated.

      Take this from a Mom who was in those shoes, whose children have experienced this. Their souls are begging for you! Mother, Father, siblings, we who should be standing and protecting them. The earth weeps as their tears and prayers go to the ground unheeded!

If I, not-long-ago a heartbroken mother with only the clothes on my back can do it, YOU CAN DO IT!

Listen to Your Heart

     Looking through my pictures and a few letters I still have, my mind ponders. I think of the love we shared. The deepest, heartfelt connection. The kindest, loving, most genuine man I’ve ever known. “To know him is to love him.” I knew Rich better than anyone else in the whole world. My heart talked to his. I think about what we went through together, among other things the greatest being six magnificently beautiful miracles. As loving a Dad as any child could have.

   Rich was so courageous, I thought “nothing or no one can break him.”

Slowly, I watched the life squeeze out of him.

 How can love be so strong yet not strong enough? How can you love with your whole heart and suddenly walk away?  How can anyone have that much power? How was anything stronger than the covenants and promises.

    “It” happened so subtly. Piece by tiny piece, using 99 truths to one lie. Taking one truth and manipulating it. “You are the Fool and the Devil laughs.” Caught up in the power of the “one man”.

Having given away your own power, you have none left. Having given him your heart, you no longer feel.

Child- “Mom, I can’t pray.”

Mother- “Why my child”

Child- “Whenever I close my eyes to pray, all I see in my mind is Warren Jeffs.”

This is true! This is real! I have been in “those shoes” when the only thing I had left was listening to my heart, oh what a beautiful freedom that is!

I pray our loved ones can have the strength to be delivered from what they don’t know holds them bound.

 

 

Why

When someone starts “speaking out”, one is automatically branded as a Rank Apostate, bitter, or seeking to do harm. That is what the leaders of the FLDS want everyone to think in hopes Truth will not be made known. Honestly, I believed that myself for so long.

THE AWAKENING IS SO ENLIVENING!

Is this a stand against polygamy or results of anger?

Is it to hinder, put down, or say “woe is me?”

The answer to all these questions is “NO!”

I’ve actually had a pretty good life. I made the best of the blessings given. I loved my family. We were somewhat of a model Plural family to those around us. My sister-wives were my best friends. We had our problems but worked through it because we all had the same goals in view.

What made me start writing in the first place? To leave with my children the knowledge of the love their mother had for them. It spurred me into having a deeper, stronger, more intense fight for them than I thought I could muster.

Though I don’t feel or believe the same way, I still respect others for their beliefs and expect them to do the same for me, as we are all here to live the best we can with our individual paths.

I am ashamed at my neglect. I slackened in my efforts to keep up with my writing.

I have to confess, it’s not as easy as one would think. In fact, it has been more 13315672_506871132846634_6402080187358220959_ndifficult than I imagined. I thought I was ready to speak out and share. I’m living my life all over again. Everything I bottled up for 33 years, I’m re-living and facing it RAW, more awake and realistic than ever before.

Last time, I started into a section of an experience that was extremely emotional, and the nightmares returned. I woke up sobbing as I relived the feelings all over again.

I thought about taking the easy way out and just drop it all and move on, yet I feel driven and inspired to continue for whatever the outcome may be.

Truth?

What is truth?

One of my coworkers is a man who was sent away from the FLDS over four years ago and is still “faithful.” Out of respect for him, having once been in his shoes, I don’t push my thought or “My Truth” on people. He has asked some questions and I have answered with kid gloves, feeling his resistance.

Through the course of the six to eight months of working together, he approached me on four different occasions, asking the same question. I answered each time, simple and with “my truth.”

Today he excitedly said, “I am going to meet someone who will finally tell me the truth.”

I truly hope this man finds what he is looking for. He is a good, honest man who wants to do what’s right and make right choices. I respect him for his desires. I too had to come to the place in my heart when I was ready for “The Truth.”

If I may, I’ll share withdownload you “My Truth”.

Who has “The Truth?”

The truth” is in “YOU”, my truth is in me, each one of us has our truth. Listen and allow your hearts to tell you what is “The Truth”. Don’t wait for someone to tell you what your truth is. Listen. “Your heart” and “your truth” will be made known.

 

 

Love

What is Love?

I often ask myself this question.

How can you truly love someone, whether they be family, siblings, spouse, children, friends, or someone you don’t know yet. How do you feel an honest connection and affinity for?

How can you turn your back on someone you love? To me it’s a mystery. One of the hardest things in my life have been to feel rejection from my loved ones. Does that affect my love? It can’t unless I let it. I chose to be love. Love is not the easiest way, but I find the most freedom in it. Darkness is subtle at first, so much you don’t even know it’s there until you’re swallowed up in hurt, anger, resentment, and animosity.

Who has the truest Love?332a23b12bad43720975c250528fce1f

Jesus Christ— His love is unconditional, eternal, unchanging.

It was one of the greatest truths I learned as I battled through the confusion when my life was ripped away from me.

If it’s not “Love” it is not “God”. That’s pretty plain and simple. If you are told to turn your back on someone or withhold love, that alone can be proof enough it is not “Of God”.